


in which sasori hates the intern

by skittidyne



Series: city!AU [4]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, astarte the cat, city!AU, mention of kabuto, sasori has a bad day at the dead person office, sasori hates the intern
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 08:45:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2222793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skittidyne/pseuds/skittidyne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Have to take a bleach bath." Because someone had not sufficiently wondered why the mucus around the body's nose and mouth was discolored and had prematurely looked into the esophagus and lungs to try to find a cause. And then everyone in the room had to go through decontamination because no one was quite sure what the stuff that had bubbled out had been. </p>
<p>Sasori leveled a glare over at the intern.</p>
            </blockquote>





	in which sasori hates the intern

**Author's Note:**

> sasori works as some sort of forensic/criminologist mortician or whatever. csi stuff except lazier/not as urgent. the important thing is he plays with dead bodies as a career and he's happy, so basically canon. with less poisons (that he'll let others know about). 
> 
> (deidara works as a lower level construction worker. he's actually pretty architecturally talented but he mostly just likes breaking things. he probably wants to work specifically in demolitions one day.)

" _I'm going to be home a little late tonight._ " Sasori sent Deidara a text before his phone was taken from him. 

" _wake me up when you get home_ " came the rather fast reply. Then, a quick addition, " _why??_ " 

" _Have to take a bleach bath_." Because  _someone_  had not sufficiently wondered why the mucus around the body's nose and mouth was discolored and had prematurely looked into the esophagus and lungs to try to find a cause. And then everyone in the room had to go through decontamination because no one was quite sure what the stuff that had bubbled out had been. 

Sasori leveled a glare over at the intern. 

" _okaa777777sssssssssssssss_ " was Deidara's response that time. 

Sasori glared at his phone instead. But before he could reply or try to puzzle out that text, the biohazard team arrived, and they had to fork over their things. There had been only three people in the area, and they'd since figured out that it wasn't lethal, but going through decontamination wasn't pleasant. 

(Sasori idly wondered if they'd let him have his phone back if they started dropping; what would his last goodbyes be? If it was something that attacked the respiratory system, he doubted he'd be able to talk for very long. Good thing he would only want to speak to a chosen few.)

It wasn't so bad that they'd have to burn clothes and destroy everything in the room, and honestly, mess-ups happened. That was the third biohazard-related accident that quarter. The intern would probably not be fired, not that he had much sympathy. 

It'd be a couple days before they got their clothes back, and he couldn't get his personal effects until the day after, even though he would have dipped his keys in sodium hydroxide himself if it meant he could take them with him. At least Deidara would be home. 

Skin pink from a scalding shower, dressed in spare clothes they kept there for such incidents, the three were finally released with instructions to call a number if they started showing symptoms of anything and blah blah blah. The corpse's cause of death had not been whatever had been in its lungs. Sasori wasn't worried. 

He scowled at the nervous intern as his friend picked him up. His other coworker just offered to share a taxi, and what other choice did he have? It wasn't like he had his keys. "At least this one wasn't blood," she remarked lightly.

Anything involving blood was even more of a nightmare. "Some consolation," he grunted back. He'd  _liked_  that scarf, and more than once, his clothes had come back with tears or holes eaten through them. 

Mercifully, his stop was first. He automatically went to his pocket to fish out his wallet - except there was no pocket there, and definitely no wallet. His coworker smiled wryly. "Thanks for trying. Let the company handle this one." 

"Take the long way back then. See you." Honestly, he should be used to it, but it always came as a surprise, and ranged from an annoyance to aggravating to planning murder.

The front door to their apartment wasn't even locked. Sasori sighed, and then sighed again when he found Deidara sprawled across the couch, contorted in a way that made him frown just looking at him. He didn't understand him sometimes. He found the blond's cell phone crammed under his cheek. At least he understood the garbled text message. 

"I'm home," he said quietly to Astarte, who was curled up on the back of the couch. She raised her head expectantly for petting. Sasori smiled and acquiesced.

Deidara gave a particularly loud snore that made her jump. 

"Should we let him sleep?" Sasori murmured as he pulled Deidara's cell phone from underneath his face. It was rhetorical. As much as he wanted to vent to someone, his boyfriend had been pulling long shifts, and he didn't want to disturb him. Or deal with his sleep-deprived grumpiness. He only hoped he ate before crashing. 

He tapped out a text to Kabuto, telling him he wouldn't have his phone for a day or two. The response came surprisingly quickly; he'd thought Kabuto had been pulling an overnight shift at the hospital. Either he was on break or had swapped. " _blood or other fluids?_ " 

" _Other fluids._ " Kabuto had to deal with the same issues, and on a far more frequent basis. But the ones he dealt with usually weren't the potentially lethal kind. Sasori supposed it was a trade-off. He'd rather have three accidents in three months than wind up covered in some kid's puke every other shift. 

Astarte jumped down, squarely onto Deidara's back, jerking the blond awake. Sasori spared her a disappointed look. "Dude, why do you smell like smoke?" was the first thing out of his mouth. 

Sasori sniffed his borrowed clothes. "It's better than mucus and bleach." 

"Go change." Deidara sat up, rubbing at his eyes. Astarte settled into his lap with a happy purr. 

"Have you eaten anything since you got home?" 

"Was waiting for you, yeah?" 

"Did you feed the cat?" 

"She wouldn't let me sleep until I did. Don't worry, your baby didn't starve." 

"At least one of them didn't." 

Deidara beamed up at him. "Can we order pizza?" 

" _You_  can, I don't have any cash or cards right now." 

"Want your half with olives or onions?" 

"...Olives." Sasori flopped down onto the couch beside him and Deidara plucked his phone back out of his grasp. He didn't understand how it was almost eleven at night already. At least he didn't actually have to go to work for the next three days, aside from a visit to pick up his things. Accidents had their upsides. 

Pizza ordered, Deidara leaned against Sasori's shoulder, rubbing the top of his head with his cheek. Too much like Astarte. "So, have a rough day, sweetums?"

Sasori ignored his tone and snapped, "What is  _your_  first instinct when looking at a body with discolored saliva and snot around the mouth and nose? Is it to cut the respiratory system open to investigate?" 

"Sort of, yeah." 

"Please stay away from all hospitals if we were ever to get an ebola outbreak." 

"If it makes you feel any better, if you caught something, I'll get it too, and then we can die together, yeah?" Deidara said happily. 

"How romantic," Sasori drawled and turned to kiss him on the cheek. "And I can all too clearly see you enjoying a death that involves exploding in blood." 

"Kabuto would shit himself if either of us caught something like that." 

"Let's not and say we did. What time do you have to be up tomorrow?" 

"Whenever," he said. "You're not the only one who had an accident at work today." 

"What did you do." 

"It wasn't  _me_ ," he replied in a falsely scandalized tone. "Apparently, someone managed to break the building's sprinkler system, so they need a different crew to come in and clean up the flooding and fix it. I get to play hooky with you tomorrow." 

That actually did cheer Sasori up a little, although he wouldn't admit it. "Just so long as it wasn't you..." 

" _Golden Girls_  marathon tomorrow?" 

That cheered him up significantly more. 


End file.
